Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I could make wine with my vomit
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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