she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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