I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
