I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
