Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
