If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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