Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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