sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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