i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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