Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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