I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
