I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
