11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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