One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
