We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
