R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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