i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I believe in your delicious
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
