Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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