I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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