i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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