Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
