Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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