I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
