i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
