How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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