bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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