I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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