I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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