You smell like a Billy Joel song
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
