I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
