We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
