if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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