Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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