can we get nightvision for the apartment?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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