this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
