talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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