Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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