i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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