Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
