I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
