Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
