Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
