whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am one with the molecules
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize