i already hear my dad disowning me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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