SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
