i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize