I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
