i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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