I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's blow job season.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
