When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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