he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
