Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
