He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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