then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Girls should come with a carfax report
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
