wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize