Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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