I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
