look no pants
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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