I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
