tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
