my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
